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Dumb Parent Tricks
  • This is a thread to brag or bag on your kids—if you don’t want to read about kids, click a different thread.

    Anyway I just wanted an excuse to post this, I guess Ian has a ways to go before he’ll be a spelling bee champ like his brothers, but I love this anyway

    (Translation: I like winter because me and my dad can make a snowman.)

    Last year we didn’t get enough snow to make a snowman, so he’s remembering the last time we made one 2 years ago when he was 3. And that’s really pretty cool I think

  • Love it! I actually read it as “me and my dad can make a shaman” at first, which I have to say seemed to make complete sense to me at the time.

  • That is so cute!

    Alice turns five months old in two days. She is fat and babbles all the time and hates being a useless baby. I love her so much.

  • nickinko said: Love it! I actually read it as “me and my dad can make a shaman” at first, which I have to say seemed to make complete sense to me at the time.

    I read it as this too, but I was also thinking it had something to do with bbq.

  • Read: Elik wint or rukus meat my duncan mac a shaman which actually made a lot of sense to me and is a sentiment I can get behind. Great job!!

    yay fat babblers

    Don’t even know what to say about my kid other than that My Kid Is An Awesome Kid.

  • Erik (age 4) just did a massive poo in the back yard. I’m making the bloke clean it up before the dog eats it.

    Ian’s writing is great Jim. I love it. It looks like he’s getting on top of it pretty well.

  • nickinko said: Love it! I actually read it as “me and my dad can make a shaman” at first, which I have to say seemed to make complete sense to me at the time.

    Inko, the fact that you & I can’t have regular pints at the Great Eastern pains me.

  • Clayton_Peacock said:

    nickinko said: Love it! I actually read it as “me and my dad can make a shaman” at first, which I have to say seemed to make complete sense to me at the time.

    Inko, the fact that you & I can’t have regular pints at the Great Eastern pains me.

    Well, thank you CP. Likewise, I’m sure. I saw a shaman once (or mudang as he would have put it) on the side of a Korean mountain called Namhansansong. It was a beautiful autumnal day, and he was showboating a bit to a large circle of onlookers who had gathered. I reached the action just in time to see him slit a pig’s throat and then lick the long blade and run around the circumference of the crowd, flickering his bloody tongue and swivelling his eyes wildly. It was a memorable cultural experience.

  • Yay Ian. It is so funny the things kids remember, and so sweet.

    And yay fat babbling babies!

    I don’t have any kids to brag on. Well, I brag on my niece sometimes. Is it okay if I do that in this thread once in awhile? The other day she said: “Usually Santa looks pretty fat, but we’re not gonna tell him that because it might hurt his feelings.” Good call—stay on the nice list.

  • Please brag on your niece it’s totally cool! Also pics. I don’t want to be the only one posting too much about how awesome his kids are.

    I didn’t get a picture of the fake paper gingerbread man Ian decorated before I left for work this morning but hopefully we get it back relatively intact ‘cause he did a great job.

    My other kids are totally awesome too but they’re high school and middle school aged so possibly less interesting to this thread, though Max (my 7th grader) just won his school district spelling bee a few weeks ago (Oh I mentioned spelling bee champs in the OP I guess, Damian also won this bee several years in a row). I ought to take a picture of all of them this weekend. In the interim, here is a photo of my eldest getting a lesson in tall from Jeb.

  • For the probably 3 or 4 of you I’m not FB friends with who haven’t seen it already I guess

  • Alice has started an “I WANT THAT” noise/face combo that is super funny, especially because one of the things she wants most is Linus.

    She also developed a new pathetic squeaking whine, but I think she’s reserving it just for me, and it’s destroying my will to live. Jerk baby.

    She can sit up pretty well if you put her somewhere, and she stands up FOREVER if she has something to hang onto. She clearly hates being a baby and wants to walk now, please.

  • Nick said:

    I saw a shaman once (or mudang as he would have put it) on the side of a Korean mountain called Namhansansong. It was a beautiful autumnal day, and he was showboating a bit to a large circle of onlookers who had gathered. I reached the action just in time to see him slit a pig’s throat and then lick the long blade and run around the circumference of the crowd, flickering his bloody tongue and swivelling his eyes wildly. It was a memorable cultural experience.

    O_o

  • Ok so this post is giving me hell of trouble, first it was duplicate, i edit one, it changes the other, I don’t know but after this I’m leaving it alone…

    Great article on shamanism in the latest Nat Geo

    http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2012/12/shamans/stern-text

  • Cool! I’m going to read that. NGM lives in my toilet for reading slowly for the month, but I haven’t got to it yet.

  • Yay to everything! Dang, Jim, check out your tall son! MC I want to eat your baby every time I see a photo of her but didn’t want to say that on FB because some people might take it the wrong way.

  • I don’t have a kid for this to be about but:

    My sister-in-law had her baby last Saturday. We were hoping for Friday so it would line up with my birthday (as my older sister had a baby on my brother’s birthday earlier this year) but oh well.

    They were planning for a home birth but this one happened with little warning and the midwife, etc didn’t make it in time so she had the baby in the bathtub with my brother delivering.

    Also she is named River after the Firefly/Serenity character.

    Actual Dumb Uncle Trick: I dedicated “I Will Buy You A New Life” by Everclear to their honor at karaoke, partially because I forgot that I had picked “The Dolphin’s Cry” by Live for that purpose. I’m a little annoyed because that would have worked out great thematically as Biggins “accidentally” turned off the monitor while I was singing so I had to go it without help, as it were.

  • Congratulations, welcome River!

  • A Thing No One Told Me:

    When babies sleep, they grunt. Like, a lot. And it sounds like they’re choking while straining to take a massive dump. It is disquieting. We asked the pediatrician about it today and she said that’s totally normal in a way that led me to believe that it was and so I’m wondering why none of you jerks bothered to warn me about that because that is really weird that you would all decide to be jerks like that I thought you were nice.

    Seriously. Choking and shitting. That’s what it sounds like. Then I walk in and he’s all like “nope, just sleeping here. Chill as fuck, Dad. You trippin’.” Because my baby is from the mid ’90s.

  • ah dang she stole one of my potential baby names. River has been a favorite ever since my crush on River Phoenix in stand by me.

    Myke I wonder what their tiny bodies are UP to? Growing, I guess? It’s bewildering and great. Also probably you have to worry more if he’s not making any sounds?

  • Yeah, 90% of physical growth occurs during sleep. That’s just the sound of them expanding.

  • Sorry. I guess it never occurred to me to mention it, but it can be scary. Also their breathing is really uneven for the first few months in general. Try not to get too freaked about it. I’m glad you get to have him home!!

  • That’s why baby monitors are the worst thing ever too.

  • When they’re 15 and you hear choking and grunting coming from their room, you learn to shut it out

  • That cuts both ways in a little English terraced 3 bedroom too.

  • I have a video monitor. The tyranny. I keep the volume turned down so I don’t hear too many small noises, only the big hungry cries. Usually we just use the video to look at her sleep because she’s soooo cuuuute, but tonight she rolled up on her side for the first time and I can’t stop checking to make sure she hasn’t rolled on her face.

  • Baby learned a new thing today. I bought a ball that lights up when you bounce it. She watched Bill bouncing it, and now she tries to throw it as hard as she can onto the floor, and even manages to get it to light up sometimes. I guess that’s the first time I’ve gotten to watch her work something out like that. It’s really funny.

  • Me & Petra in a large model rocket at my friend’s vinyl shop & performance space in Oakland.

    Miss everyone here. I’ll be returning to TNM via teleport soon to resume Psychic TV and smashing things like old times.

    alt text

  • Great picture! Where have you been CP?

  • I want to see more of that doggie!

  • He looks like an Ewok!

    Hey Jim I have taken up the banjo. If I ever make my way out to the west coast we can jam!

  • ha, that’s awesome heartbreak. check out the story I posted on FB about the homeless banjo troubadour from Connecticut who was spotted hiking out of the hills and interviewed by the Berkeley Patch. That could be you!

  • brag: my kid is funny and interesting and smart and beautiful and has shiny eyes like two big black buttons and a fat little face and rosy cheeks and long curly lashes and when she runs she bounces and staggers and I love her beyond belief

  • I like that brag!

  • That’s an excellent brag/child

  • yeah that’s the best

  • I am guessing all the parents here feel pretty similarly about their own chicks.

  • brag on! we can all think your kid is pretty great (while obviously preferring our own) but it isn’t a competition, all kids are great! except the ones who aren’t.

  • well … all of ‘our’ kids are just that little bit greater

  • At last, a kid’s doll for the damned among us

  • Mine finally figured out how to crawl last week. She doesn’t seem to like it very much, and uses it almost exclusively to find something to use to stand up. Often she will start crying if she has to crawl more than like, five feet.

    The pulling up thing came along with crawling.. She could do it under certain conditions for a while, now she just does it.

    Pulling up means some tentative cruising. Unless she’s holding your hands. Then she just bolts and wants to do laps around the house as quickly as possible.

    She also got a tooth.

    This is all happening so fast!

  • My mom and my kids. She’s still taller than Ian anyway.

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  • When I saw that on FB i was like ‘man, Jim’s mom is TINY!’, and then I remembered the scale of sons we were dealing with here

  • Heh. I had the same thought. I need to see a pic of Jim with his boys again.

  • Well Mom’s not that big, she’s only 5’1” or so. I’m still taller than Max but Damian towers over me too.

  • FACT: all of Jim’s boys are over 8 feet

    btw Jim I saw a dude at the running track this morning who looked just like you!

  • If he was running then he didn’t look that much like me

  • So the smaller of the two boys is now 6 - we had his party today, at one of those indoor play places where you just let the kids run wild and say “see ya” and sit around drinking coffee and eating fried foods. Easy and fun. We didn’t have a party for him at all last year. It’s what passes for winter here now, so parties are hard.

    The big boy, on the other hand is in a pickle. He’s miserable. His dad is a bully, and the boy doesn’t like going to his house… Because he’s a bully, it’s hard for me to confront him, and like a good bully, he knows how to put on an excellent public face… I just don’t know what to do. He’s not all that happy at my house either, spends all his time playing games online with his mates and resents any interruption to that. Getting him to leave the house for his little bro’s party was a major achievement (granted, going to your 6yo bro’s party isn’t much fun, but I knew I’d need his help, as the bloke is only good for sitting down and talking to people) and in the end it was good, he actually talked to me about what’s bothering him, and he’s been texting me all evening…so I guess that’s what I need to do - hang with him more… @JimTheBeerGuy you got anything? You’ve got bigger boys than me, and I’m outside my own zone (primary school age boys I can do - I spent 15 years looking after them) but this teenage shit is hard.

    I guess this kinda belongs in the depression thread - his and mine.

  • I’m sorry I dropped the ball on replying to this. My boys kind of retreat into their own thing a lot and it can be hard to engage them too. I’ve just been trying to take it back by talking to them a lot, but for them to not resent the intrusion, it has to be a conversation they enjoy. For Ian and Max that’s not hard, they both like attention, especially Ian, so I just make sure that I don’t deny the attention to them too often. (Though Ian never shuts up, so I do need to try to switch him off from time to time)

    Damian’s a tougher nut to crack, and spends a lot of time in his room. But he’s been working on getting his driver’s license, so I take him driving weekly (or try to) and since the one thing he likes is being more clever than anybody around him, I tend to engage him in increasingly strange conversations that take oddball turns and probably would make no sense to anyone but the two of us.

    We had one of those recently that kicked off around the word “artisanal” but quickly took a tangent into economies of scale in donkey milk production and then just got weird. Anyway, on Father’s Day last weekend he presented me with a CD he’d burned called “Artisanal Mixtape” that consisted of a mixture of genres, but all from bands that I’ve listened to over the past 10 years or so. MBV, Flaming Lips, EITS, Swans, Justin Townes Earle, Andrew Vincent. It was pretty great.

    Not sure how much this helps you, but not being a bully gives you a head start on having a relationship with your kid IMO. And yeah, just spending time, even if you aren’t talking about anything real, is definitely key.

  • All good Jim, thanks for getting back eventually ;-) things have loosened up for him in the last year. I’ve been paying better attention to him and he’s talking more. I’ve decided to actively be the good cop, laying off him, and trying to support him more. I read a great book by a NZ author ‘the politically incorrect guide to teenagers’ by a NZ psychologist, who says amongst other things, that parenting teens needs to be like your favourite pair of undies: not too tight, not too loose. So I hassle him to eat, and sleep and do some homework, but other than that let him start the conversations, and he does. He’s better about engaging with us, as a result, he’ll stop doing his thing to do what he’s asked more quickly now.

    It’s good to hear stories of your boys too, those conversations you have with Damian, are the kind of ones I have with my D. They start in one place and end up somewhere else. I like that he made you a mix tape :-)

  • Oh, and the texting thing has continued. He texts me all.the.time. it’s great. I really like it.